What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 13:14
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im still living with it.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He knew the spot.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i do to all so called friends.?
So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
So, i spoilt her more .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I always feel very tired after I do some exercises, even after a night's sleep. What's the problem?
Who then, do I blame.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why won't Canada build their own fighter jet?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was in good health!
Why do men choose to marry a plain Jane woman over a pretty woman?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I write beautiful poetry .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My family never makes their pension either.
All the time i was locked up.
When she asked me how she looked .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I said to her
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Where the ultimate outsiders.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was very sick at this time too.
But it wasn’t much.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I couldn’t, believe it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What did i know ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is soul school!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I have no regrets .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ive learnt so much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were not on the streets..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I will be 64.
We all went to grammer schools
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But ive been too sick for many years..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But, we were locked up after school.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I think the readers, may guess!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?