What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 04:52
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Have you ever had sex with your mother-in-law? If so, how was it and did your wife ever find out?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do ugly men flirt with girls that are really hot?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why do I want to suck cock tonight?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Did Leonardo da Vinci paint two Mona Lisas? Where are they?
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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She loved him until the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im still living with it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She married twice! .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We all went to grammer schools
I have no regrets .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was very sick at this time too.
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Put me off passion for life!!
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot live in the past .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
All the time i was locked up.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was 9 years of age.
I said to her
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She found it foreign!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My life is so biszare .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My family never makes their pension either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I write beautiful poetry .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was scared of men, in general
Ive learnt so much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
He knew the spot.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)